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[10 Nov 2009|02:34pm] |
run away, run away, run away.
after all, that's what you do best, isn't it?
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[25 Sep 2009|12:51am] |
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I don't know why I get moody and contemplative every once in a while. It makes me feel like I'm going to die, and that I have to write out love notes to everyone so that they may know that I loved them dearly in life.
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[23 Sep 2009|06:41pm] |
As we grow older the light of life fades bit by bit till we are left a husk of our former selves, having given everything we have to the motions of life. We are hollow, we are dried out, we are empty and all that was once within us now belongs to the world. We die as empty vessels for everything we bore during the chrysalis of our youth, no memory remaining except for the breath of dust our bodies decay into.
But in the end, as we lay between the last breaths of our lives, wouldn't it be sweet to contemplate death and life with no regrets for how we have eventually found our bodies empty? The promise of perpetual bliss is nothing if we do not believe we deserve it, at the very end. Belief stems from action, from doing, so we do what we must when our bodies are still full in order to reach that state of understanding, of knowing, that in the end, at the end, yes, yes, yes, there are no regrets -
Embrasse moi my endgame, my darkness, my perpetual bliss for I have nothing left to give, nothing left to hide, nothing left to do, nothing left to regret. Take my broken, withered, empty body, for at the end of my road I have reached that state of enlightenment, and I may die at peace with myself, and the world.
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[18 Jul 2009|01:17am] |
i don't know why but every time i watch mononoke hime i always, always want to rewatch it the moment it ends. sigh.
am feeling a bit emo now.
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| i really do not remember |
[08 Jul 2009|08:29pm] |
why/how i stopped being suicidal.
happiness is elusive, especially for those who deserve to be.
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[08 Jul 2009|08:09pm] |
i am feeling mighty sad now. mj's memorial service proved too much to take, on top of the rest of the drama in my life.
i am sad, i want to cry, i can feel tears stinging my eyes but rein it in, girl, rein it in. there is no way i can get away with crying without a million and one questions being thrown my way.
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| This One's For You, XOCers.. |
[11 Jun 2009|11:58pm] |
-pokes LJ-
Is it dead?
I haven't posted in.. -checks- 10 months ._. A lot has happened (I graduated and got a job, lol) and I'm not as angry and angsty as I used to be. For all the people from XOC reading this, don't be alarmed if you decide to go through the rest of my lj. Heh, writing was cathartic for a while, but then I got to busy to write, so.. yeah.
Anyway I have revived my little corner of the interwebs to bring to you my ADITL, or to any non-XOC reading, my A Day In The Life, where I run around for a day taking pictures. I am epic fail, I did this about two weeks ago -hangs head- on the 30th of May. OMG there's a nifty feature to add from Photobucket!!11!1! LOL I obviously have not been here in a while.
Warning: I did my ADITL in great, great detail. Which means 4567890321 million photos. Just thought you should know [:
( Huge, huge photo post. Will take long to load, don't say I didn't warn you! )
-whispers to LJ- Ok you can go back to sleep now.
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[12 Jul 2008|12:50am] |
2008 has so far been a year of many lessons. i feel like ive learnt more things about myself, my friends, strangers, acquaintances, systems, structures this year so far than i have the past few years in smu.
insight is a beautiful thing.
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[11 Apr 2008|12:05pm] |
that one-in-a-while call, that random how-do-you-do. that enthusiastic hello! that sheepish grin. and always, that never-gone-far love.
to all my friends, past and present, i love you(:
past few days have made me truly appreciate the value of friendship, and the simple love we have for one another. it's because of that that i can go up to someone i havent seen in a long time and spill my guts, or cry on the shoulder of a friend im not close to. i am strong; but i have many who hold me up, and willingly to do so. ive grown through their strength and their love, and i am immensely appreciative of everyone who's left footsteps in my heart.
and to random people on the internet, and those who write the songs that speak to me, thank you.
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[26 Mar 2008|11:24pm] |
and so, i kick this dead horse in the gut.
so far it's been quite a year! i finally like how my hair is (thanks to me sister!), ive found out how lonely i am in school, and i watched a movie for the first time ever alone!
and im going off to europe for 6 weeks, 28th apr to 11th june. nyaaa.
ive decided that im not really a blogger anymore. the novelty used to make every little instance so grand; now it's like writing a report, day in day out. which explains Why i havent been updating, hoho. and why i really shouldnt start again now, ha!
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[05 Jan 2008|12:02am] |
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right now, im being flamed left right and center. it's my own fault, but good God, is it depressing.
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[14 Nov 2007|12:24pm] |
i will never ever complain (anymore) that my life is boring.
that being said, i hope it'll be less, hm, exciting. too much, and ill just get sick with all the adrenalin. thank God for my family, i love you guy + girls.
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[23 Sep 2007|09:02pm] |
i wear my heart on my sleeve, with this journal.
im tired of feeling like im not good enough, though most of the time, i impose that feeling on myself. i hate feeling like this, like im a failure. i hate breaking hearts, i hate having one.
i could continue and be all dramatic but i wont. suffice to say, i probably wont rant here anymore. im just really, really tired of everything. myself, the most.
[edit 9:18pm]
im obviously not feeling a whole lot of love for myself now.
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[21 Sep 2007|11:25pm] |
life has a way of catching up with you. even if you think you've run far and fast, eventually, life comes snipping at your heels, ready to trip you face down into the dirt.
im tired of feeling this way, like im always going to feel guilty, like it's all my fault.
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[20 Sep 2007|12:52pm] |
i have not posted in six weeks! :O
my life has been one big haze of happy, but school kinda taints it. life is good, it is sweet with its fruits!
like everyone else has written about, ramadhan is here! it's been here for a while, a week. i think im growing up - im managing the hunger better! wootz.
obviously im in class now, im a bit bored - which is no excuse to be on here but! it's an excuse(:
im itching to go to the bazaar for some odd reason! like for so many years i havent gone, and now i do. i think it's my fascination/love for pasar malams, and this is one huge one! i dont agree with the whole concept behind it though :\
anw! i miss my sister ): and my parents, who will thankfully be home tmr afternoon! yay.
i think i have rambled enough, but do you know, in ethics, they were talking abt googling future employees, and i googled my name, and voila! out came this, though not the first hit. it's kinda scary, because ive been rambling shit for 7 years, and what if someone can have leverage over me because of what i wrote so many years ago? it's creepy.
but, howellz, im not going to make excuses for the way i was or the way ive been. all i can say is that ive grown and (hopefully) matured into a better person. gone are the days of the emo! and the drama, thanks to sya's wonderful influence(: wee!
oh, and avatar starts again in two days!! !! !! how excited am i ;D
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[04 Aug 2007|06:14pm] |
i will mentally abuse myself because i desperately want to keep the empty promises i made to the people i love, who love me.
when i reach the end of my tether, i hope no one will be there to watch me tear myself to shreds.
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[01 Aug 2007|07:40pm] |
mm, listening to going to a town by rufus wainwright on repeat now. it's a sad, depressing song, but i like it(:
now, there are only two reasons as to why id be updating, and this is reason number 2 (reason number 1 is deducable by reading previous entries, please). im bored :\ i should really start on logs stock taking, but yaar id rather not?
anyway. times be happier now(: and i think i abuse my laptop waaay too much. oh yeah, i have to ask abt changing my graphics card, rarr.
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[31 Jul 2007|03:05pm] |
this may sound stupid and immature, but with everything that's going on in my life now, im just living for the start of the new season of avatar. im not ashamed to say that the trailer almost made me cry, because it made me so happy when im feeling so low.
thank God for small miracles.
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[21 Jul 2007|07:41am] |
The last, last thing I need is people irritating the shit out of me.
STOP DEMANDING THINGS OF ME. I AM ONLY ONE FREAKING PERSON.
I'm pissed off as hell. Why does everyone, sans my family [thank you God for blessing me with a superbly understanding and loving family], demand things I cannot give them? SSS is fine, because they're supposed to demand stuff of me, but all the others?
I'm disappointed.
I can only give so much, with my own reserves stretched so thin. You want so much but you don't give. THIS is what it feels like on my side. Don't expect me to know everything; you give me way too much credit. And don't expect me to drop everything and come if you DEMAND that I do, and emotionally blackmail or bully me if I can't.
And, freak it, don't expect anything of me, because I'll only let you down. I'm not very happy now, so much shit is happening when it's not supposed to. Give me my space. I have to do this, I have to be responsible so just try to understand how you messed me up so much that I had to emotionally abuse myself, because I can't do so physically. Whatever you see is just on the surface - you really, really can't take the truth. I don't even know what the truth is but then again, you're not even bothering to find out the whole story. Heck it, I'm just going to stop talking now.
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[19 Jul 2007|07:05am] |
camp is killing me, really. im so tired and there's a never ending load of work to do. i know i could ask people to help, but argh i dont like to. i should though. i reeeally should.
tired like mofo. rarr.
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[15 Jul 2007|10:23am] |
could you tell i was crying? i doubt that you could. it's easy to hide behind technology.
im tired of trying, of being somebody. i wish i were nobody, or somebody different.
like i told my sister just now, i have nothing to be depressed about, but i am. and now i have reasons to be depressed, and life is so much more bleak than it already was.
escaping into the world of fantasy/scifi literature would be good, but once the book is closed and the story done, what does that leave me but an empty shell full of longing and the salt-on-wound pain of being me?
scoring lines of blood on my arms seems to be about the only thing i can think of doing. but i wont, because it breaks my heart remembering what my sisters look like when they see my scars. sigh. i am such a disappointment.
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[15 Jul 2007|12:49am] |
i resent myself so much right now.
enough to actually do something that i know i shouldnt do and that people trust that i wont. again another disappointing adventure in the life of me.
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[15 Jul 2007|12:24am] |
i am not the person you think i am.
i am not the person you want me to be. i am not the person i want to be.
i cannot live up to expectations, even when there are none. and i cannot live with the voices in my head that tell me so many more things than necessary.
i cannot live disappointing people whom i love, who have every right to be disappointed in me because of how much of a failure i am.
and i cannot live with people thinking so highly of me, because every instinct in my body knows that they are wrong.
im not trying to be cryptic, but im trying not to tell the whole truth. sometimes i wish i could say everything i wanted to, but that would just end up making me feel more upset. sigh.
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[14 Jul 2007|11:29am] |
OH. MY. GOD.
HEREHEREHERE.
before some of you unnecessarily click, i should warn you it's nothing to get excited abt unless you're a star wars geek like me ;D or at the very least, you shouldve played kotor i & ii, then you'll understand the very awesomeness that is the force unleashed.
from now to spring im saving up for an xbox 360, so that when i get my ds i can play it on BOTH consoles! ;D rarr.
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[12 Jul 2007|12:22pm] |
good God.
to everyone whom i know that happens to be reading this, i love you. and i miss you.
this lj has been with me for 7 years. it's gone from being a place to rant to a place to think to a place where i pen down random thoughts.
this is a random entry. yay.
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[12 Jun 2007|04:25am] |
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im home!^-^ and i cant sleep now D:
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[02 Jun 2007|06:31am] |
sigh.
im looking forward to going home. i miss my family and friends. granted, i am having fun here but sometimes a little bit of something is better than a lot of it, you know? maybe it's just me.
but! ive got a few cool things(: heehee. not telling, some of it is worth the surprise, really! rarr i miss home. and my bed and pillows D:
oh yeah, i must remember to ask ana abt..
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[18 May 2007|05:52pm] |
no matter how much i bitch abt being in smu, sometimes it just takes a few people to let you know that it really actually isnt so bad, and it just takes one person to make you feel like it's all worth it(:
ya what inspired this is that a friend of mine from sch invited me to her birthday party and is specially making all the food halal so that another friend and i can attend and eat. omg so sweet right(: seriously happy right now.
it's true, the smallest things in life will make you happy. do you know, it's been dreary and cold and wet past few days in london but today is a gorgeously beautiful day with blue skies and sunshine and green leaves and it makes you want to go out and sing.
plus im FINALLY watching spider-man iii today, and im eating this apparently really good chicken after the movie. today's a good day(:
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[08 May 2007|01:18am] |
i miss my little sisters ):
mm whatcha say.
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[06 May 2007|10:39pm] |
hello.
the aircon leaked on me in the plane. then the food was uhh. the baggage took FOREVER to come out cos something broke down. i feel awkward in the house D:
i went out today. walked from kakak's sch to picadilly circus (which is apparently very far o_O), then took the tube to south kensington to go to the national history museum but it was so crowded i just managed to walk past the gift shop, then took the tube to covent garden, walked ard and then walked to leicester square, then to trafalgar square and back to leicester square station to take the tube back home. yay!
i am updating cos zee little zizter requezted itz. muehehe.
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[27 Apr 2007|12:18am] |
i am so moody and distraught and whatever else right now.
im leaving in a week.
i dont think anyone remembers, cept my family, whom i am very glad to have, no matter what else i say in the heat of the moment. contrary to popular belief, i CAN think straight.
my computer is dead wonky. i think the graphics card is burnt. im going to sch to get it checked out and i hopre i dont have to pay.
and i hope i get my grades back soon. i really hope i didnt fail anything. i havent yet, and im hoping never to. im agitated because i want the grades for one of my courses cos im kinda jumpy abt it.
im nervous abt grades.
shoot.
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[15 Mar 2007|09:16am] |
seriously. why do we need a degree to justify the kind of person we are? does having a degree mean that im so much better than someone who doesnt?
honestly, without going into a huge gp essay-like rant, who the $#!% says that not having a degree means you're less capable. geez.
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[22 Feb 2007|10:41pm] |
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im sorry i wasnt strong enough.
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[10 Feb 2007|11:02am] |
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what is this unbearable feeling of loss and sadness?
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[10 Feb 2007|05:58am] |
im currently about 40% done with an essay i should have handed in 6 hours ago but was too low on my priorities to do. and suddenly i feel really sad, like ive had my heart broken, and all over again feelings of belonging haunt me.
i feel the need to put pen to paper but God knows how long ago ive done THAT.
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[05 Feb 2007|11:23pm] |
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i am quite thankful - no, very - for many things, most of all for finally being happy this year(:
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[13 Jan 2007|12:54pm] |
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i just saw the most disgusting pictures. gag.
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[09 Jan 2007|12:24pm] |
im in *gasp* international economics now. we're playing *gasp again* icebreakers. like, o. m. g. yeah ok.
im a bit better today. not by much, but enough i guess. i haaate icebreakers.
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[09 Jan 2007|01:43am] |
since i have nothing better to do while refusing to sleep and/or do my project, here's a absurdly late post of, well, things in general.
one. today i saw (again) a whole bunch of new junior college students, and i felt so, very old. i shouldnt, but i did. it was sad, really. i think id like to reject every part of my past so that i dont feel this way. the whole damn day i was nostalgic and i felt/feel sick because of that. here and now, please, with a focus on the determination to do well.
..right, and we all know im just kidding about the last sentence, right.
two. once again i would like to burn something, either my books or a cd. i loathe anything related to school (this complex has gone from angst-hate to real-hate). if i could i would torch the school, but only because ive never seen the sprinklers work. ever.
three. i cant think of anything anymore.
pfft. being dead bored in the middle of the night does wonders for your brain.
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[09 Jan 2007|01:21am] |
this must be your lucky day.
people think im fun and outgoing when all i am, really, is a passive, quiet individual who would rather listen than say anything, even if im at the point of exploding from grief and depression.
that was a long sentence.
life can get really depressing when you're stuck in a place you dont want to be. no matter how much i try at the beginning of the term to look forward to school, nothing really pushes me to try to excel, or even do well. it sucks knowing you have to do projects/assignments/random school things, but never getting around to until it's too late.
im not a very cryptic person, but sometimes i wish i was. there is something really (for lack of a better word) cool about speaking cryptically. of course, no one really understands you, but if they dont in the first place, that's nothing to worry about.
i really want to cut my hair. it's long and it's getting tiring to have people who havent seen me for days/weeks/months/ages exclaim, "you grew hair/your hair's long!/omg your hair's longer than mine!" -_- that being said, it's nice to be complimented. but having your hair cut is a therapeutic experience, and i blame not being able to cut my hair for all the emotional and excess baggage that im carrying around now.
sometimes i think no one really wants to listen to me. but if i stop lying to myself i know there're perhaps a dozen people who would, if id just talk to them. but talking's over-rated, and i get tired of trying to explain myself. better to just keep silent, eh?
if you cant already tell, im harbouring much emotional baggage that is threatening to spill out into the already-tragic state of the pages of the world wide web. why, i dont know. all i do know is, im hungry, and it has been proven by a very good friend of mine that hunger has an adverse effect on my state of mind as it leads to crankiness. hence it cumulates into this long and lengthy rant of which will serve no purpose but to keep me occupied while something downloads. ah, the sweet stench of boredom.
incoherent talk is almost as bad as being cryptic, no?
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[08 Jan 2007|10:58pm] |
ok. does anyone remember me?
school has barely started and i hate it already. sigh.
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[11 Dec 2006|03:31pm] |
eh, i havent been on in some time.
nothing much to update - or rather, nothing much anyone would want to read. hurr.
got my o rokr, sweet. now for the n91 8gb! >:D
humm. k bye.
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[17 Oct 2006|12:56am] |
all im going to say is this:
i hate going to smu.
i hate going to school.
i hate being forced to do something *hackcoughSOCIALSCIENCEcough* that i really, really dislike.
i hate the fact that i cant make people happy.
i hate feeling useless and unwanted.
i hate not having time to do what i want.
i hate being a failure for not loving school, for not doing well, for not being bloody anything at all that my parents can be proud of.
i hate being a whiny loser.
i hate being awake now, trying to do school work but inevitably going to pass it on to tmr.
i hate being me, sometimes.
that being said, i have this violent and compelling urge to quit school and become a nomad/hermit/something. the only thing im looking forward to today is that it's one day left till wednesday, when one project will be over with. woohoo.
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[26 Sep 2006|11:26pm] |
have you ever just sat down, and looked at people? like, really looked? have you ever looked at the lady cleaning your table/floor/toilet, and wondered what her story was? or the story of that worried looking man standing in the corner, looking out for something/one?
it's all history. literally his (or her) story. i wonder if anyone else does what i do. stare at people and try to figure out their story, that is.
like how i imagine a tired grandmother's wasted opportunities. or a wayward youth's eagerness as a child to learn. or the unhappiness of someone who laughs and smiles.
i wonder if anyone has tried to figure out my story.
life is one big long story. im only 20 and yet i feel like ive been through so much. sure, i was never involved in any war, nor have i truly experienced hardship or unexpected pain. but life is just a mess of things waiting to happen, and when they do they leave such an imprint on you. how are we supposed to carry so many imprints within ourselves for the rest of our lives? how can we deal with pain and loss and happiness over and over again without wanting to die? maybe this is what it is to be human - the capability to comprehend and contain within ourselves the experiences of our past while forever racing towards the future.
sometimes, i wish i was an animal.
there are times when people ask me to recall some past event, i just decline and say, 'long story'. no, contrary to what many may think, i am not being lazy. rather, it's just painful to remember the past, even if it was a happy memory. i dont know why, maybe it's because it tires me out so much to have to dig up forgotten ghosts or the not-really-dead ones that i rather have buried. to me, anything that belongs in the past IS a long story.
honestly, i have no idea where this is going. i just feel a need to ramble.
i used to be so thin.
maybe there's a reason why im the person i am today. heck, it's no maybe. i am the person i am today because of yesterday. how poetic. and you know what's the saddest part? in some way, i am sorry for the kind of person i am today, even though i shouldnt be. why? because.
i couldve been anything. but where or what am i now? nothing. well, nothing to be proud of, anyway.
how many best friends have i had in my lifetime, and how many people have i made an impact on? will i be remembered fondly if i died now, in this very instance? would you, the reader, mourn for me, as a friend or just another sad pathetic soul who lived just to die?
i wonder if i deserve to be remembered.
what's my story?
..do you really care?
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[26 Aug 2006|02:19am] |
it's 2am in the morning. im not asleep. i wanted to type something poignant and wonderful, but i ended up writing something akin to those horror novels amateurs write.
yes, im still awake, though i have this unbelievable need to sleep.
i wish i could talk to someone. anyone, really. but everyone's asleep.
im so tired. but i cant sleep. no, i didnt copy that from a song. though it does sound like it.
the heat nowadays is unbearable. maybe it's a sign. like that cujo book.
life is odd.
maybe i should stop thinking. yes, stop thinking, nuha. just sleep.
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[17 Aug 2006|11:23pm] |
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
sigh. nostalgia is bad for the emo inside. nostalgia, and depression.
i want to fly away.
camp was good, but i wouldnt want to do it again. unless it was with the same people.
i had too much of planes. one, they hurt my ears and two, they hurt my heart. they remind me of how much i cant get out of this place, this awful place. i saw probably more than a hundred during camp, and a hundred times i died.
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[04 Aug 2006|02:34am] |
i am not ashamed to admit that i miss people i hardly make an effort to talk to.
i miss even the obscure people who were friends of my friends, who once upon a time meant something to me.
dear God, does time only really work one way?
i think it was so long ago that i was young. so many times we shed bits and pieces of our past that when the chyrsalis of our youth finally splits open, we are cruelly torn away from the bliss and shelter of the past.
i really cannot take it anymore. i miss so many people. but honestly, how many of us will actually take the time to say hello? either you're too shy or she's too shy or you're busy or he's busy or everyone just moved on before you could.
why.
sigh.
how about this. simply put:
i miss you.
and whoever may be reading this, if you've been in direct contact with me before, it's you. i miss you.
be the somebody i once knew.
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[04 Aug 2006|01:24am] |
hi.
to whom it may concern:
i will be gone for the period of 6TH AUGUST till 16TH AUGUST. anyone who wants to contact me, please feel free to text or call me. yay!
anyway, update on life: im quite contented now, happy-ish. not looking forward to camp or sch though. freshies are cute. and life goes on, one way or another.
i want to eat.
dont ask me why im awake at this time. i have to be in sch by freaking 9am tmr. oh God -weeps-
lalala, whoever's in town ring me up one day soon and meet up ok! ill be in sch from 21st onwards.
yeah, can whoever who reads this please just meet up with me. im too lazy to do the asking so ill beg instead. makes no sense but heyy it's me. 'nuff said.
OH. and sYa is my junior! SO CUTE. i think i disturb her alot. heh. heh >:D
ok, quite a long update as compared to previous entries. nyaha. ok i need to sleep see ya.
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[25 Jul 2006|12:43am] |
if there was ever a day.
im tired.
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[23 Jul 2006|07:31am] |
last night's concert was one of the best, if not THE BEST, ever.
i havent gotten re-addicted to my laptop yet, but i think im getting there O_o
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